Weird shit newborns do April 7, 2018 Real life Tom and I have successfully kept our mini human alive for 10 weeks now (I keep having to change the number as this post has sat half written for so bloody long… babies take a bit of your time it seems). Officially we are out of the ‘newborn’ phase and – if nappy sizes are anything to go by – we are now parents of an ‘infant’. You’ll have heard it before but time really does evaporate once you have a child so I thought I better reminisce about some of the stuff that our wee guy has entertained us over the weeks or else it will disappear into the ether of my foggy AF mum brain. Loud ass breathing. When people say they slept like a baby I am now going to imagine that they woke every few hours to snack, have a cry and grunt super loudly all through the night. Nice smelling poos. Hey don’t judge! Breastfed poos truly don’t smell like shit… for a while. Now they are stanky and I’m kinda terrified of what’s to come when he’s on solids. Adult volume farts. How many times a day do I have to ask Tom – ‘you or the baby?’ Quite a lot it turns out. Of course when the baby does it I clap and tell him what a good boy he is. Tom isn’t so lucky. Baby acne. Just like a teenager, the hormones are raging in new bubbas and so they end up with little tiny pimples on their otherwise perfect skin. They usually coincide with a photoshoot or meeting new people and then magically vanish within the day. Hair in weird places. When you’re pregnant they tell you about lanugo – this hair that covers the baby in the womb and then they shed before birth… or at least try to shed. Our guy still has hairy ears and I’m wondering if they’re going to stay that way forever. Can you shave your baby’s ears? Probably frowned upon. They get hangry. I can sympathise obviously, it happens to the best of us. Smiling at nothing. Or what appears to be nothing anyway. Before either Tom or I got a smile out of our boy he was turning on the charm for our curtains. True story, they were his favourite thing and somehow got his first grin (and many subsequent) out of him. Mood swings. We can blame the same hormones as the acne I suppose – it’s weird how newborns can be pretty much teenagers. The best is when they’re simultaneously crying and a little smile breaks through mid scream. Weirdos. Sleeping with their eyes open. Yep just like when you’ve had a few too many and your mates snap a photo of you passed out with your eyes half closed… or was that just me one time? They have their own language. It must be true cause it was on Oprah k? For reals, there’s this woman who has a photographic memory for sound (yes it’s a thing) and she reckons she’s determined what each baby cry means. It’s called Dunstan baby language and here’s the Oprah clip if you’re interested. They do projectile poos. I found this out the hard way at 2am one morning. Let me tell you, getting shit in your bellybutton is a whole new low. Despite all his weirdness and tendency to scream the house down for absolutely no reason at 7pm each night, we love our little monster and wouldn’t have him any other way… although if you want to start sleeping a little more at night that is absolutely fine by us mate.